DEADMAN.February 18, 2010
Dinner with the sisters
After my roommate mentioned mid-way defenses I said, “I wonder how that is going to work for me, I need to talk to someone about being in GI housings in August, because I can’t take much more of this. Michael said “dude you may have graduated but they don’t have that on record, just push through this year.” I snapped without tongue control after thinking of everything I would be repeating and said, “I don’t want to everything over again…it is the curse of knowledge, I’m just going to leave.”
“Going to leave” are the four words that have been going through my mind, over and over and over again. The same four words that I have been warring against in my mind, just became four arrows that piece the heart and kill the spirit and hope of all who are under my influence. Since I have returned in January, God has been using me even in my lowest point; I expected to just be another torch to come back in for a re-ignite, I didn’t expect to be a fire shining brighter in the light. The meditation of my heart since day one has been to “stay low, stay broken, stay desperate, stay humble and burn.” One thing I constantly do is force my soul to delight in the will of the Lord (Psalms 40:8).
“My soul still remembers, and sinks within me. This I recall to my mind, therefore I have hope. Through the Lord’s mercies we are not consumed, because His compassions fail not. They are new every morning; Great is Your faithfulness.“ The LORD is my portion,” says my soul, “Therefore I hope in Him!” The LORD is good to those who wait for Him, to the soul who seeks Him. It is good that one should hope and wait quietly for the salvation of the LORD.” – Lamentations 3:20-26
One of my sisters then said, “Matt, that hurts, because, I look up to you. I look up to you because you are a Man of who is so fascinated with God. You care so much about defending not just your Honor, but the honor of those around you. If you leave, I have to live with the fact that the person that I look up to the most…failed me. If you leave, I am leaving. When someone looks you in the eye and says that to you, it rips you apart and there one thing you think, “Crap, I’m going to be here for a while.” Watchman Nee once said:
“ANYONE WHO SERVES GOD WILL DISCOVER SOONER OR LATER THAT THE GREAT HINDRANCE HE HAS IN THE LORD’S WORK IS NOT OTHERS, BUT HIMSELF. HE WILL DISCOVER THAT HIS OUTWARD MAN (SOAL) IS NOT IN HARMONY WITH INWARD MAN (SPIRIT). BOTH TEND TO GO TOWARDS TWO OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS FROM EACH OTHER. HE WILL ALSO SENSE THE INABILITY OF HIS OUTWARD MAN TO SUBMIT TO THE INWARD CONTROL…THUS HE IS RENDERED INCAPABLE OF OBEYING GOD’S HIGHEST COMMAND.”
Person after person has delivered words of knowledge to me, about how high my calling is. My core advisor said God gave him a word of knowledge at 3am in the morning. God told him, “Matt has an opportunity that no other will receive; he just has to be willing.”The consciousness of self is the greatest hindrance to the proper execution of all physical action. I am willing and I am a DEADMAN.
“I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.” –Galatians 2:20